First, you have to understand that my family is not like other families. We’re odd. From me down to our creepy, crazy-eyed 11 lb dog who may or may not be part chicken. Our house also seems to be utter chaos at all waking hours; someone is always in costume, half-finished kid projects strewed about, and we’re by far the loudest house on the block. True to form, last night … there was an incident.
I was sitting in my office after dinner staring at the computer trying to come up with something funny or insightful to write when I heard a horrifying sound: like a mini bike wreck crossed with a pack of monkeys strung out on Pop Rocks — and it wasn’t going away. I rushed into the family room where it looked like dishes were falling from the sky. And not in a good way.
It took me a second (but felt like an hour) to process all the chaos of what was going on. My 80 lb. dog, Rocco, was running like a maniac through the house and bucking like a bronco. And there seemed to be something chasing him, but it wasn’t alive. Somehow, the lower rack of the dishwasher was attached to his collar and spraying dishes around the room. He was everywhere and completely out of control. He took chunks out of the wall, just barely missed the 55-inch HDTV, and was putting on quite a show for The Beast (our 4 yr old), who was sitting on the couch grinning with those big buck teeth just enjoy the show as dishes whizzed by him. Freaked out, Rocco couldn’t figure out why this loud, white, wire rack was following him.
I leaped into action trying to catch the beast before he did any more damage and managed to get a piece of a ceramic bowl lodged in my finger. He finally wiggled loose, opened the back door (which he does by himself) and was in the backyard trying to get his bearings.
It turns out that as the dishwasher was bring loaded he was licking plates. As he was shooed away, he pulled back and got the dishwasher rack wheel stuck in his collar. How? I have no friggin’ idea.
We surveyed the damage: broken glasses and bowls littered the family room and kitchen. Our newly painted walls had chunks taken out of them, but luckily no one was hurt. Somehow the dog who ate siding off the house, digested socks, and inhaled 3 lbs of raw turkey burgers managed to top himself.
The saddest thing is that I consider him my most well-behaved kid. And he poops in the backyard.