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Things I Realized I Will Never Do

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Loni Anderson, the one that got away (image by J. Zee).

I hit 43 this week. Not really sure how that happened because it seemed like just yesterday I was 12. What a great age 12 was — young enough to still be a kid, but old enough to start understanding the world around you. All I cared about were sports, my friends and my bike. I ruled the world. Although I did start noticing Loni Anderson on WKRP.

Sliding past middle age had me thinking about what’s ahead … and what isn’t. I haven’t really thought about what I won’t be doing in life. I’ve always dreamt big and usually gotten what I set out for, but age has a way of narrowing your options. Don’t get me wrong, I plan on accomplishing a lot more in the next 20 years than I did the previous 20 (outside of my kids), but reality is a hell of a teacher.

Here are 43 things that actually entered my mind at one time or another that I will never realistically accomplish in my life:

1. I’ll never sleep with Loni Anderson.

2. Play point guard for the Sonics.

3. Sing for Van Halen. You have to admit, my odds were looking up after the release of Van Halen 3.

4. I’ll never have a 50th wedding anniversary.

5. Never be a spy for the CIA and save the world with nail-clippers and a stick of gum.

6. Or work for the FBI. I actually looked into it after 9/11. You can’t be over 37.

7. Be a stay-at-home dad for a year..

8. Get called up on stage to drum at a Rush concert because Neil caught a broken stick in the eye. This is probably for the best.

9. Never afford to take all my buds on a once in a lifetime Guys Weekend.

10. Look better than I do right now.

11. Write a sitcom.

12. Hire a live-in maid like Alice from the Brady Bunch (although I prefer she look like Gloria from Modern Family).

13. Date all the women I had a crush on the first 15 years of my life.

14. Vote for an honest politician.

15. Be able to move my kids to a foreign country to study for a year (along with me, not as a punishment).

16. Hire the Black Crowes to play my birthday party.

17. Surf with Spicoli.

18. Avoid massive life failures.

19. Write a sequel to Stripes: Stripes 2 — The Fall of John Winger.

20. Be neighbors and buds with Gus Williams.

gus Things I Realized I Will Never Do

The one and only Gus Williams

21. Grow a bitchin’ handlebar moustache.

22. Beat Stallone in arm wrestling (just like in Over the Top).

23. See my kids attend a quality public school.

24. Kickbox with John Cusack.

25. Dunk.

26. See Queen live in concert

27. Or The Clash.

28.  Be hired for my potential again.

29. See the elimination of the designated hitter.

30. Spell Cincinnati, receipt and daiquiri without spell check.

31. Be General Manager of the Seahawks.

32. See another great John Hughes movie.

33. Collaborate with Cameron Crowe.

34. Be the Assistant to the Assistant Manager of a movie theater.

35. Own a winery (with vineyard).

36. Go on a date with Elizabeth Shue.

37. Quarterback anything other than a video game football team.

38. See our country push through a real third party candidate.

39. I’ll never understand the metric system.

40. Or Dewey Decimal.

41. Or geometry for that matter.

42. See a quality remake of Porky’s.

43. Be able to fool myself (Believe me, I’ve tried).

Have you ever thought about yours?

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