I found out this past weekend what guys flirting with middle age really want. It’s not fast cars, alcohol, Hawaiian vacations or our original hair color back. Well, we may still want a few of those things, but what we really want is … bark.
Let me explain. Foxy wife and I went to a fun and really cool charity event/wine tasting over the weekend that helped raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I’m always interested in supporting charities — especially when great wine is involved.
The event had a lot of cool stuff that was being raffled off. You basically bought a bunch of tickets and then dropped them into the bag of the prize you were hoping to win. Easy enough even for a dolt like me.
It was early on that one prize caught my eye: 15 yards of bark. I have a 1/3 of an acre and it always needs bark. Plus, it smells great, your yard looks like a million bucks and it makes the neighbors feel guilty. I gotta be honest, I probably wanted it more than Peyton Manning wanted a hug Sunday night. But I wasn’t the only one.
After a couple of glasses of wine and a trip or two working the room, I realized that damn near every guy in the place also had to have that bark. I was shocked. I figured I’d pad the bag and have a great shot at victory, but I was dead wrong. Word on the street was that one guy bought 50 tickets to carpet bomb the competition.
Needless to say I didn’t win anything, but Foxy won twice. She’s blessed. While we didn’t win the bark, she won 15 yards of dirt so by spring my house should be sitting on one bitchin’ hill overlooking my neighbors. She also won a family portrait sitting — and you know how those usually go … The finished product always shows us looking like the perfect family, but in reality our house is utter chaos 95% of the time with kids screaming, the phone ringing, dogs eating off the table and the parents one step away from a state run facility.
The funny thing about the bark is that these weren’t guys who couldn’t afford bark. They were all successful and thriving. It’s just that our lives have just gotten to a point where we are looking for any edge to make it a little easier. And having a saint blow 15 yards of bark into our yard sounded like suburban heaven.
I know it’s not cool, but sometimes suburban heaven is really all you need.
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